


Bleach My Eyeballs (Please)

by quarter_life_crisis



Series: The Fucking Hollow Hole Verse [4]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, established grimmichi, everyone is drunk as hell, improper usage of hollow holes, its a fucking epilogue, or are they, returning to my sex cringe roots, their dicks are hard but their hearts are soft, vague kisuke/yoruichi, yoruichi is a professional Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23295271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quarter_life_crisis/pseuds/quarter_life_crisis
Summary: At Ichigo’s 21st birthday party, one of Kisuke Urahara’s pranks come back to bite him in the ass, hard. The shopkeeper may well be scarred for life.Set one year after my previous fic, but can be read independently of the series.
Relationships: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: The Fucking Hollow Hole Verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570357
Comments: 18
Kudos: 170





	Bleach My Eyeballs (Please)

**Author's Note:**

> bahaha surprise assholes i wrote this to procrastinate from writing part 3 😈😈
> 
> and if someone new actually reads this, wow welcome to the fucking hollow hole verse, where i’ve kept up with kubo’s obsesssion with weird heart explanations. basically the hollow hole = direct connection to the (w)hole spectrum of Feels since, ya know, the hole symbolizes the absence of the heart - and as we all know its the heart and not the brain that the feels come from, right ? magic ?? whatever, kon speaks without vocal chords, the canon is fucked anyway. enjoy!
> 
> EDIT: oh fuck btw kisuke pov

"So hey, we’re gonna call it a night, guys," Ichigo said from the corner, after pulling his tongue out of Grimmjow’s mouth.

Kisuke and Yoruichi shared a Look. 

"Boo!" Rukia boo’ed, looking up from where she was drawing a 9 next to the 6 on the back of Grimmjow’s gigai. The arrancar (and Ichigo, "for equality’s sake") had begun the evening in human form so that Grimmjow could partake in the wonderful act of poisoning himself. However, Ichigo eventually realized that he was several bottles out of his depth and had (along with Grimmjow, "for equality’s sake"... they really were quite sickening at times) proceeded to discard his material body in the drunken hope that he had a higher alcohol tolerance as a shinigami. Kisuke could have told him that wasn’t the case. If he’d felt like it.

"Do we at least get to keep the bodies?"

"No." Grimmjow said bluntly, walking over to pull his gigai away from where it had been laid spread eagle atop Ichigo’s vacant human form - the heads in opposite ends of course. The movement also jolted the other body, so that the beatiful lily Orihime was drawing on Ichigo’s arm got an ugly straight line straight across as she failed to lift up her marker in time. The young woman made a noise of mild complaint. 

"When did you assholes take my shirt off?" Grimmjow scowled, rubbing at the 9. It didn’t look like it would come off easy. 

"When you went to go piss." Rukia answered, abandoning her art project in favour of coming over to Kisuke and Yoruichi for another drink. The designated bartenders obliged enthusiastically, four hands mixing together a mysterious concoction in silent efficiency. Yoruichi took a test sip before nodding in approval and handing the drink to Rukia. She’d done that with everyone’s drinks, all night. Yoruichi was pretty hammered. 

"I helped," supplied the birthday boy proudly. Ichigo was pitiful lightweight, just like his father. He got up unsteadily and swayed over to plaster himself against the arrancar once more, pointing to the two numbers that now adorned the gigai. "You know, that sounds like a pretty good idea..." he said quite loudly into Grimmjow’s ear, probably going for a sensual mumble. The arrancar rolled his eyes but the flush on his cheeks was definitely more than just an effect of alcohol. 

" _Gross_ , get a room." Rukia threw a paper cup at Ichigo’s face, and missed by about a mile. Yoruichi tried to have a go, but let go of the cup prematurely and chortled as it hit the ground behind her. 

"That’s what we’re trying to do, stupid," Ichigo clapped back and then did a completely 180, launching himself at Rukia, crushing her tiny frame into a pancake and declaring his undying platonic love for her. 

"Gross, get a room," Orihime repeated, giggling and glancing at the bundle of markers on the the floor, clearly deliberating whether Ichigo was wasted enough to accept some floral decoration. Noticing this, Chad offered her an arm with considerably larger drawing surface, which she went to work on immediately. 

"Espada, come wipe up your mess this instant!" Rukia choked out, although her hands seemed to alternative between trying to shove Ichigo off and pet his hair affectionately. 

"Ruk, you remember where the futon is, right?" Ichigo asked in a moment of clarity while Grimmjow hauled both of their empty bodies to safety inside the bedroom. The arrancar really was smarter than he looked. 

"That. I. Do." Rukia replied via three seperate and equally impressive burps. Grimmjow gave her a look of newfound respect before being pulled bodily into the bedroom by Ichigo.

And then their hosts were gone. Kisuke discreetly cranked up the music. 

"Does this mean the party’s over?" asked Orihime with a blush on her face, looking at the door as if she could see through it. 

"I’m enjoying myself," shrugged Chad, reminding everyone that he was present. 

"No!" declared Yoruichi emphatically, "Party _not_ over - I haven’ even told my piss story yet." 

Rukia had been zoning out pretty thoroughly, but came back to life with a wobbly jolt that threatened to tip her over, "This sounds like we’ll need more booze," she said, steadying herself on the table. The remaining party guests gathered around them. Kisuke rolled his eyes, steeling himself to hear the damn piss story for what was surely the millionth time. 

"Okay, so lemme set the scene here," Yoruichi took a dramatic pause to burp, "It’s the graduation party at the academy, I’m there as the head of the whatever, y’know? And I found like, the best piece of ass in the class, right, great hair, great..." she made a gesture. Orihime tilted her head, squinting. Rukia nodded knowingly. 

"So I’m under this guy, an- and I wasn’t allowed to drink ‘til the afterparty!" Yoruichi leaned forward in remembered outrage, widening her eyes, "Cause, official _business_ or whatever, so I had to catch up real fast and- anyway, we’re on the floor in this pantry, right, an’ he’s doing good an’ s’all good an’ then he just- starts gettin’ slower... and slower... heavier and heav-"

"He fell asleep on you?" Rukia interrupted, bursting into laughter. "Some lay you were!"

"Suck my ass," she slurred. "Anywayy, when uh- he went all slack on me, y’know, somethin’... else... relaxed."

"He shat himself!"

"Nope!" Kisuke’s best friend said, in a tone clearly showing how many times she’d received that interpretation whilst telling the same story at every damn party. 

"He piss- oh god." A collective noise of horror filled the room. Yoruichi just preened under the attention, swaying slightly in her seat. 

"Wait- _in_ you?" Orihime blurted out with an endearing amount of genuine concern. Her face was even redder than her hair. 

"Bottoms up!" the head of the Shihouin clan answered, holding up her cup and crowing with laughter as she got her expected disgusted reactions, completely removed from the actual events of the centuries-old tale. Chad and Rukia downed their entire drinks obediently while Orihime took a small sip. 

"So I pushed him offa me, and. It was fuckin’ everywhere. And there was nothin’ in the room to mop with or anythin’, so ‘course I had to use the guy’s brand new shihakushô," she cackled at the memory, "It was his first time wearin’ it, poor thing! So I slapped him awake and told him he pissed himself," she snickered. 

Then Yoruichi hit her audience with the punchline. "But it actually was me!" she roared, " _I_ pissed myself! Fucker was heavy went he went limp and I’d drank so much so fast to catch up to all the damn kids-" she had to pause, laughing too hard to speak. "His new uniform was soaked in my piss and he totally believed he’d done it himself - poor bastard was so embarrassed," Yoruichi managed when she could breathe again. The glazed look in her eyes cleared slightly as she realized no one else was laughing with her. Kisuke tried hard not to laugh _at_ her.

Rukia had passed out upon downing her cup. Chad and Orihime just looked uncomfortable, although Orihime was still trying to go for a smile. "What a story," she said politely, "Uhm, I think I need to be going soon."

"I’ll walk you home, Inoue." Chad said. It only took a minute for the pair to gather their things and put on their shoes, with Yoruichi complaining about the boring kids these days and the world’s declining sense of humour all the while. 

"Is she going to be okay?" Orihime hesitated in the doorway, casting a concerned look at Rukia on the floor. 

"She’ll be fine!" Kisuke reassured, "We’ll add her to the pile." He gestured to where Uryu was laying sprawled next to a snoring Karin, who’d straight up refused to go leave when it was suggested that the younger partygoers call it a night. Jinta had been in agreement with her until Ururu had invited Yuzu home with them for a sleepover. Tessai had accompanied the trio and so, with Orihime and Chad gone, Yoruichi and Kisuke were the last ones standing. 

"An’ why didn’t _you_ laugh?"

"I was there." Kisuke reminded her, and toasted her to the memory. One toast turned into about five, although Yoruichi was somehow managing to drink in between them as well. Flash master indeed. 

"How long have they been gone now?" Kisuke asked, mostly to distract her from giving herself alcohol poisoning. Even with her tolerance, it probably wasn’t impossible. 

Yoruichi knew exactly what he was talking about. "I’unno like... a bit?" she slurred.

"So they're practicing their two-person push-ups by now, wouldn't you say?"

"Oh yeaahh, f’sure. Weeeell in the middle of some gland-to-gland combat." Her giggle was cut off by a loud burp. "Think they’re spicin’ things up with their empty fleshbags?"

"Well, let’s have a little look-see, shall we?" Kisuke said, getting up and. Wow. Suddenly feeling the booze significantly more. Oh dear. He looked around for his most favourite fan and then did a slow blinking double-take. He didn’t remember it looking quite so rumpled. Had someone sat on it? Alas. Yoruichi took the hand he offered and unsteadily got on her feet. Then lurched sideways and flopped back down onto the floor, taking Kisuke down with her. "Oopsie," said the head of the Shihouin clan. Ah well, crawling was probably better anyway. More... stealthy, or something. 

After making several stops to shush his drunken disaster of an accomplice, "Woo-.. would’ya call tha’ a foursome or like... a double twosome??", they managed to arrive a few feet down the short hallway of Grimmjow’s (and, in reality, also Ichigo’s) shithole apartment. The bedroom "door" couldn’t even be closed, only slid into place on an unstable-looking rail. So, in Kisuke’s expert opinion, they’d been asking for this the moment the two lovebirds retired. 

The speakers in the livingroom had been masking the moaning, but it was clear enough at this distance. He considered turning off the seemingly endless krautrock playlist that Uryu had put on hours ago (the poor lad had been the first to pass out anyhow, even before the younglings went home), but seeing as Yoruichi was already wheezing with suppressed laughter, he supposed they needed the sound cover themselves. 

"Ichigo..." groaned a voice that was unmistakeably Grimmjow’s, "put your finger in."

Kisuke felt his eyebrows disappear into his hair. Yoruichi faceplanted onto the floor. "Woahhh," she stage-whispered, lifting back up onto her elbows and smiling up at him disbelievingly. And also almost slightly cross-eyed. "Always thought our grim jimmy was more of a sheath-er than a... uh... sheath-ee". This triggered a small earthquake of barely contained giggles. "sheeetheeee..." his partner in crime whispered under her breath, just as Ichigo’s voice spoke on the other side of the door. Kisuke shushed her fondly. 

"...sure, baby?" Ichigo was saying. Kisuke wiggled his eyebrows at Yoruichi, who pretending to gag. "What if I can’t find the spot?" 

So this wasn’t a common occurance? Interesting. 

He crawled the rest of the distance to the side of the door and felt more than saw Yoruichi join him, worming her way under his body, teasingly pressing her ass up onto- Well. That wasn’t conducive to anything. Pressing his lips together, Kisuke steeled himself and pressed his palm carefully against the sliding door, testing its resistance. They could do this. They were from the damn Stealth Force. 

Thankfully, the peeling old piece of wood slid aside quietly, revealing a scene that made Kisuke feel around ten cups worth of sake dissipate from his body. What in the ungodly- 

The dead stare of Ichigo’s vacant body gazed out at the two floating heads of Kisuke Urahara and Yoruichi Shihouin, both their mouths open, and in Yoruichi’s case, drooling slightly. It - he? - laid in an unnatural sprawl at the foot of the bed together with Grimmjow’s gigai, the two tangled together in a macabre parody of a cuddle. 

On top of the bed were their two counterparts, naked as the day they were born. Kisuke distantly wondered who in the world still bothered to take their socks off after almost two years, but that was honestly the least disturbing part of the ordeal. 

Grimmjow was - there was no mild way to put it - balls deep in Isshin Kurosaki’s son, who was folded up in a rather admirable imitation of a pretzel. That alone probably should have felt weird to Kisuke, but he’d honestly walked in on the pair too many times to feel fazed at this point. Wonder what his dear old friend would say to that. Maybe he had as well. What he’d never seen before, on the other hand, in all his centuries of existence, was the fingertip Ichigo had tenderly placed directly in the center of the sexta espada’s hollow hole. 

"Another," the sexta ground out, and then proceeded to make a sound like he’d been punched. Were- were those _tears_ running down his cheek? Ichigo also managed to notice them through the haze of alcohol. 

"Shit, y’okay? Wan’ me t’stop?" It was honestly impressive that he could even hold his hand still in that state. 

"Yeah- I mean no, fuck, I’m jus- so goddamn _happy_." Grimmjow said in a tight voice, with something akin to confusion. 

" _Jo_ ," Ichigo practically cooed, "You make me so happy too," They kissed. Loudly. Grimmjow started to move inside of Ichigo again, but the plastered birthday boy wasn’t done talking about his feelings. 

"I muh- mean it, Jo! I... You... ‘mem’er when we used t’figh’? In Hu... Hueco Munno? With’e- my mask?" For some reason, this elicited a stronger thrust from the arrancar, making both men groan. "Course I remember, ya blew my fucking mind that day." Grimmjow growled. 

"Yeah, ‘xactly! I ‘member... Hime... y’know she hadda crush on me back then? But she was still- fuckin’- _terrified_ of me. In that mask. An’ you. You jus’ looked me like I wus _amazing_ , like the, the worst part o’ me wus somethin’ g-"

"Ichigo, Ichigo," Grimmjow interrupted, "Mind yer fingers. I wanna kick your teeth in right now."

"Oh! I’m so sorry!" Ichigo readjusted his hand, making Grimmjow gasp and whimper, " _fuck_ , I fucking love you."

"I love you tooo," Ichigo blubbered, "yer gunna make me _cry_."

Kisuke slid the door shut, although the scene was already seared into his mind forever. 

"That... was beautiful." he said solemnly. 

"Think ’m gonna hurl," his partner in crime groaned underneath him, "I was prepared for ‘em to use their own limp bodies as sex dolls, but that was just _wrong_."

"You mean to tell me you wouldn’t finger my hollow hole if I had one?" Kisuke asked her as she wiggled out from under him. Yoruichi simply groaned in response. She really did look somewhat green. 

A thought occurred to him. 

Hadn’t Grimmjow once said that Aizen made the arrancar’s bodies immune to alcohol? Kisuke repeated the thought out loud and received an incredulous look from Yoruichi before watching her hobble out to empty the contents of her stomach into the nearest toilet - well, hopefully, if she could make it that far. 

As the noises inside the bedroom increased to a melodramatic climax that Kisuke would definitely be killed for hearing if they ever found out, he allowed himself a moment to simply feel happy for the pair. For a while there, he hadn’t been certain that Isshin’s boy would end up okay, and he hadn’t previously realized just how much that notion had bothered him. The two really deserved eachother, in the best way possible. Kisuke felt his face distort into a genuine smile. 

Then he sighed and got up to hold Yoruichi’s hair back for her.

**Author's Note:**

> i was 100% gonna name this ‘The Fucking Hollow Hole Fic IV: Dicks In Holes’ but i was respectfully informed that my sense of humour regarding titles is putting people off reading my shit. 
> 
> also yoru’s story is a Real Thing that has happened in the Real World between two Real People. so there.
> 
> EDIT: 🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨  
> WULVERCAZZ has brought to life the cursed climax of this cracked epilogue - ladies & gentlefolk, i am [HONOURED](https://mobile.twitter.com/WulverC/status/1338172147693400067) (unsurprisingly its nsfw 🍆🍑👉⚫️)


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